Friday, October 13, 2006
Postseason scares on Friday 13th
As I’m sure you know, it’s Friday the 13th.
I used to like those movies when I was younger. I have no idea why. I guess any homicidal maniac who wears sporting equipment was OK. And he was far better than the other big baddie at the time, Freddy Krueger, who ran out of puns somewhere in the middle of the first film and seemed to go on for about a half-dozen more.
So I guess it’s a day where we’re supposed to be thinking about scary things. And so far this postseason we have seen some scary, scary things.
Let’s review the top 10 scary things so far:
1) That red thing on Scott Spiezio’s chin. If you’re going to grow a beard, then grow a beard. But that thing looks like a ponytail growing out of his lower lip. Is that some kind of hazing prank?
2) Fox announcers. I realize that Joe Buck’s dad is an all-time great Cardinals announcer. But it seems like he’s leaning way too far toward the Cards than an objective announcer is supposed to. I’m not saying he’s bordering on Klapisch-esque Yankee homerism, but I thought the guy was gonna break out in tears after Beltran launched that blast a third of the way up the scoreboard in Game One.
3) The Oakland Athletics. Do the A’s plan to show up at some point? After they ripped through the Twins, I thought they’d beat up the Tigers and we’d be looking at 1973 Part II without the benefit of having Willie Mays. Instead they’re tossing the ball around and need to go Red Sox v Skanks ‘04 if they want to stick around.
4) Kenny Bleeping Rogers is pitching like a man possessed -- seven years too late to do us any good. He’s due for a meltdown.
5) High school football. I had to run out to pick up my son Friday night, and I was thinking, "OK, I can listen to the game on the radio on the way there and back and not miss much. I got in the car and punched up the local sports radio station, and instead of Major League Baseball playoffs they’ve got a high school football game with announcers getting waaaaay too excited. I punched in a couple other sports stations, and it was the same thing -- but with broadcasters not mainlining Red Bull. What the heck? High school football is big out here. Not like Texas or anything, but there are people here who tailgate before games. Being a New Yorker living here is difficult sometimes.
6) NLCS umpiring. How come when the Mets are up, the umpires are suddenly calling strikes like they’ve got a date with Rachel Ray after the game?
7) Arod’s incident with the jet sliding off the runway. Not for nothing, but next time I board a plane I’m going to stand up and say "Attention please, are there any members of the New York Yankees on this aircraft?" If so, I am so outta there.
8) Snow. We expect snow here in Michigan. Some people even like it. I must say I don’t mind it in December. Sadly, we get it from November to April. And there is no way I want to wake up in the at the start of the league championship series and see an inch of snow on my lawn. We still have green leaves on some trees, for goodness sake.
9) A hot tub in Vegas, baby! The Verizon ad was funny the first time, and maybe even the 30th time. But by airing No. 325 I openly hate it. If I didn’t have cool David Wright wall paper on my Verizon phone I’d start a boycott.
10) Steve "Psycho" Lyons making fun of blind people. And this guy was traded for Tom Seaver?
OK, the Wagner meltdown hurt. But remember we had won eight in a row until last night and you're going to drop one once in a while. We're still going to win this.